Maintaining sexual desire – the drive to engage in sexual activity – between partners is often integral to a successful, long-term monogamous relationship, but frequently left unspoken is how difficult this can be.
Behind closed doors, counselors help couples deal with desire problems all the time, so it's high time to bring this discussion out into the open. A new systematic review published to The Journal of Sex Research does just that.
Eastern Kentucky University researchers Kristen Mark and Jullie Lasslo "systematically identified peer-reviewed, English-language articles that focused on the maintenance of sexual desire" in relationships. The duo's exhaustive search led them to 64 articles, from which they distilled several recommendations that can help couples keep desire alive for decades.
Keep Realistic Expectations. Understanding that desire and sexual frequency will increase and decrease depending upon life circumstances, health, and a host of other factors prevents the build-up of negative feelings that erode sexual desire completely.
Nurture Mutual Attraction. Studies show that partners must both feel attractive and be attracted to their significant others. This encompasses emotional and physical facets. Emotionally, confidence and attentiveness factor most into attraction. Proper diet and exercise, grooming, and clothing choices can foster physical attractiveness. Above all, communicate honestly about what you and your partner find attractive, as attraction differs for everyone.
Maintain Autonomy. Don't be "attached at the hip." Feel free to engage in social activities without your partner. Keep your own identity and nurture friendships outside of the relationship.
Manage Stress and Fatigue. Get adequate sleep, exercise regularly, and maintain a healthy work-life balance. Sometimes, stress and fatigue cannot be avoided, so it's important to talk to your partner and be understanding of each other's situation.
Be Responsive to Your Partner. Invest in the emotional and physical relationship. Respond to your partner in a timely fashion and be attentive to their requests. When it comes to sex, put in effort for your partner. Sex columnist Dan Savage summarizes this with the acronym GGG, which stands for "good, giving, and game", meaning one should strive to be good in bed, giving "equal time and equal pleasure" to one's partner, and game "for anything – within reason".
Communicate. While really a no-brainer, communication, or rather, a lack thereof, underlies most relationship problems. Speaking openly and honestly with your partner about sexual wishes or problems is necessary to maintain desire.
Embrace Novelty. Studies consistently show that employing sex toys or trying something unexpected pays long-term dividends for desire. Somewhat counterintuitively, flirting harmlessly with others also boosts desire within a committed relationship.
Be Egalitarian. Studies show that sharing responsibilities like chores, childcare, and earning income is linked to higher levels of sexual desire.
Forget Cultural Expectations. In consensual sexual relationships, men are stereotyped as aggressors while women are seen as submissive. Studies have consistently shown that embracing such a closed mindset isn't good for anybody. Partners should take turns in different roles or simply do what feels comfortable regardless of cultural stereotypes.
The researchers note a few potential limitations of their review. First, the published literature on sexual desire often leaves out same-sex couples and neglects to mention subjects' race or ethnicity, so the results of the review mostly reflect the experiences of primarily white, heterosexual couples. Moreover, the sampled studies are heavily focused on long-term monogamous relationships, but relationships can take many other forms. Despite the drawbacks, the review offers a solid outline for many couples to keep sexual desire strong.*
"The decline of sexual desire over the course of long-term relationships is a common, but not necessary, part of long-term relationships," Mark and Lasslo conclude.
Source: Kristen P. Mark & Julie A. Lasslo (2018) Maintaining Sexual Desire in Long-Term Relationships: A Systematic Review and Conceptual Model, The Journal of Sex Research, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2018.1437592
WolvWild on March 17th, 2018 at 17:33 UTC »
I think it's interesting that each person must themselves feel attractive. I suppose that manifests as a feeling of imbalance which causes problems?
hawkian on March 17th, 2018 at 17:30 UTC »
"Somewhat counterintuitively, flirting harmlessly with others also boosts desire within a committed relationship."
This point was sort of buried and not really expanded upon, but it's in there and interesting.
spanishfrogs on March 17th, 2018 at 16:12 UTC »
Too much cynicism here about the need for study with such "obvious findings".
I think this is a great study for many married couples to consider. It may sound obvious but, nonetheless, many people relax and let themselves go once they feel secure in their relationship. The thought process for some might be: "we're in love and happy with each other - this will continue indefinitely." But, as this study shows, sexual attractiveness might fade away and jeopardize the stability of their relationship.
Overall, this study can be a reminder for these people why it might be important to maintain the attractiveness they have now.