My dad, unapologetically himself -2013 when he traveled from GA to NY to LEGALLY marry.

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toxicrhythms on October 17th, 2021 at 13:05 UTC »

My dad grew up in Mormonville, where he tried hard to hide who he was. He had a wife, two daughters, and was a mechanic in the military.

When he came out, it was hard on all of us. I was 8, and I really didn’t understand.

In 2013, he had to travel to NY from Atlanta to marry his partner. They married, and the next day, upon making his morning coffee and home, he passed away.

It’s now 2021 — and I see how much of an asshole I was, and how hard he fought to be himself. I’d like to share something he wrote about himself before he passed.

“I am genderqueer.

So what does it mean when I say I'm genderqueer? • It means sure, I'm a guy. Except when I'm not. • It means sometimes I'm a girl too. • It means sometimes I'm neither, or both, or something else entirely. • It means I'm rarely a man, and even less often a woman. • It means that when I fix or build something that I don't feel manly or like I'm living up to the gender that is assigned to me. It means I'm really more of a tomboy in those moments, or as I like to say a lipstick grease monkey. • It means that I'm not crossdressing when you see me in skirts and makeup. I'm not wearing women's clothes. I'm wearing my clothes, thank you very much. • It means you can refer to me as "he." Or "she." Or any other personal pronoun you prefer. They'll all be right enough, and I don't mind any of them. Well, except maybe "it."

So what does it not mean when I say that I'm genderqueer? • It does not mean that I want to start taking hormones or have my body surgically modified. Some genderqueer people do. That's cool. It's not for me. • It does not mean that I'm under any obligation to make my identity apparent to others. Most days I'll be in jeans and a T-shirt. You'll likely not actively notice anything strange about my gender expression. • It does not have any bearing on my sexual orientation. I'm mostly attracted to guys, but I'm also not limited by that. None of that has anything to do with my gender identity, nor with my gender expression. • It does not mean that I feel I was born in the wrong body. I fit my body perfectly. I am my body. My gender and my body are inseparable, but that doesn't mean that I let others assignation of gender to my body limit me.

I notice that my expression of gender varies along with where I am on the extroversion / introversion spectrum.

The more extroverted I am, the more stereotypically feminine I am likely to appear. The more introverted I am, the more stereotypically masculine my appearance will be.

Usually.

But no matter my expression, I am always genderqueer.

Even when you can't see my queerness, it is there. It is who I am. It is how I am. Forget that if you prefer. My queerness is not your responsibility, and it does not need your recognition. But forget it at the risk of failing to see and understand me.

I refuse to let myself be managed and policed and limited by narrow, binary gender. I am both and neither. I am "Yes, ma'am," "Yes, sir," and "I don't know what the hell to call you."

I am a walking, talking, living, breathing question mark exploding every binary that tries to catch me.”

PeanutPinkNose on October 17th, 2021 at 14:18 UTC »

Not that it’s any of my business, but I think your dad may be gay

uncheckablefilms on October 17th, 2021 at 17:11 UTC »

I'm happy your dad was able to find love. So many of his generation did not.

Also, don't be too hard on yourself about how you reacted when your dad came out. You were 8. You were in a very conservative environment. You reacted how you were raised and based on this post, you've grown a lot since then. Be proud of yourself and your growth. Your father no doubt would be.