New SEC Rule: Wall Street Will Now Only Allow Traders Who Wear A Top Hat And Monocle And Carry Around Giant Bags Of Money

New SEC Rule: Wall Street Will Now Only Allow Traders Who Wear A Top Hat And Monocle And Carry Around Giant Bags Of Money

NEW YORK, NY—Stock exchanges on Wall Street, together with brokerages and the SEC, have instituted new rules to stop the wrong people from winning in the stock market. In particular, there is a new dress code for those looking to trade stocks.

To protect against market volatility, the SEC has banned from trading anyone who doesn't dress up like the Monopoly Man and carry around giant bags of cash. This rule is enforceable whether you are trading in person or online, with apps requiring you to send a picture of yourself holding bags and bags of cash or gold bars to prove you're rich enough to trade.

"We are making this change to keep the poors out," said an SEC spokesperson. "There were too many smelly poor people trading stocks, when the stock market was always intended just to help the rich people make more money. Now that the big investors started losing, we are changing the rules of the game. Don't make us flip the game board over -- we're warning you!"