I had a conversation with my electrician this afternoon about something similar. The parents of one of my high school friends had a rule: if you get in trouble and call us to come get you there's no punishment for breaking the rules, but if you don't and we find out later you're grounded until you graduate.
Only had to use the rule once when she made the mistake of letting a senior talk her into driving her home after school and he went to his house instead and tried to convince her to go inside for "just a moment." She walked to the closest gas station and called her Dad to pick her up.
I gave my kids a Time Out card. I let them know that if they play the time out card, I promise to listen to anything they have to say without getting mad, and we’ll solve the problem together no matter what it is.
It does not free them of the consequences of their actions (if you punch your sister, you’re still in trouble) but it does free them from the fear of my reaction. It shows them that taking responsibility for themselves is a good thing and can lessen the consequences. And it shows them that I will love them and listen to them no matter what.
Whenever a kid speaks to you about a problem in their life, try to determine what level of assistance they would like:
They just want to vent and don't want any of your shitty "wise" advice, just a bit of sympathy and for an adult to actually shut up, listen to them, and comprehend what they're saying and what they're going through. They want some low-key advice on how they can fix the problem, but without your help or interference. They do want you to help figure out a solution and actually be involved in executing it. They want you alone to try to fix the problem and for them not to be involved one goddamn bit.
Most of the time, kids just want 1 or 2. A lot of parents skip straight to 3 and 4, which leaves the kid feeling unheard and powerless.
Even if they would be receptive to advice, nobody wants to actually hear advice until they are sure that the advisor has a firm grasp of the facts of the situation and is sympathetic. So you always start with level 1 even if you know it's going to be a level 4 situation. If you have a good relationship, you can always just ask, bluntly, what the kid would like for you to do in the conversation. But that kinda breaks the 4th wall and makes the interaction seem artificial, like you're just playing a role and not emotionally invested.
Remember that when you give a kid advice, it always carries a touch of judgement and criticism with it. Even if it's good, wise advice, and they know that it is. Any advice other than "You're doing the right thing" implies that they're not doing the right thing. Being told what to do, how to think, and how to handle an emotional event is essentially being told that you've failed at handling it yourself.
Before you give advice, it can also be a good idea to ask the kid what ideas they have for solutions. Then the plan of action comes from them, like the movie Inception, and you can get away with giving advice without seeming like you're judging. Also, there's a fair chance that their ideas for what to do are actually better than the hogwash you were thinking of saying to them. They just needed a little help to execute the plan or wanted verification that their ideas are valid and good.
Usually, I just stuff my face with junk food so that I can't easily talk. I nod and mumble through the Little Debbie. This also serves to make me happy to listen because I get an excuse to eat junk food. I've psychologically conditioned myself.
Also, openly admit to them that you don't know what the fuck you're saying and that your advice might just be terrible. You need them to think that you might be wrong and utterly full of shit. I want kids to be skeptical of every damn thing I tell them and to believe that I'm fallible.
StillStuckInLine on May 26th, 2020 at 17:51 UTC »
I had a conversation with my electrician this afternoon about something similar. The parents of one of my high school friends had a rule: if you get in trouble and call us to come get you there's no punishment for breaking the rules, but if you don't and we find out later you're grounded until you graduate.
Only had to use the rule once when she made the mistake of letting a senior talk her into driving her home after school and he went to his house instead and tried to convince her to go inside for "just a moment." She walked to the closest gas station and called her Dad to pick her up.
Best parenting rule I've ever heard of.
Eschlick on May 26th, 2020 at 17:52 UTC »
I gave my kids a Time Out card. I let them know that if they play the time out card, I promise to listen to anything they have to say without getting mad, and we’ll solve the problem together no matter what it is.
It does not free them of the consequences of their actions (if you punch your sister, you’re still in trouble) but it does free them from the fear of my reaction. It shows them that taking responsibility for themselves is a good thing and can lessen the consequences. And it shows them that I will love them and listen to them no matter what.
CurlSagan on May 26th, 2020 at 18:03 UTC »
Whenever a kid speaks to you about a problem in their life, try to determine what level of assistance they would like:
They just want to vent and don't want any of your shitty "wise" advice, just a bit of sympathy and for an adult to actually shut up, listen to them, and comprehend what they're saying and what they're going through. They want some low-key advice on how they can fix the problem, but without your help or interference. They do want you to help figure out a solution and actually be involved in executing it. They want you alone to try to fix the problem and for them not to be involved one goddamn bit.Most of the time, kids just want 1 or 2. A lot of parents skip straight to 3 and 4, which leaves the kid feeling unheard and powerless.
Even if they would be receptive to advice, nobody wants to actually hear advice until they are sure that the advisor has a firm grasp of the facts of the situation and is sympathetic. So you always start with level 1 even if you know it's going to be a level 4 situation. If you have a good relationship, you can always just ask, bluntly, what the kid would like for you to do in the conversation. But that kinda breaks the 4th wall and makes the interaction seem artificial, like you're just playing a role and not emotionally invested.
Remember that when you give a kid advice, it always carries a touch of judgement and criticism with it. Even if it's good, wise advice, and they know that it is. Any advice other than "You're doing the right thing" implies that they're not doing the right thing. Being told what to do, how to think, and how to handle an emotional event is essentially being told that you've failed at handling it yourself.
Before you give advice, it can also be a good idea to ask the kid what ideas they have for solutions. Then the plan of action comes from them, like the movie Inception, and you can get away with giving advice without seeming like you're judging. Also, there's a fair chance that their ideas for what to do are actually better than the hogwash you were thinking of saying to them. They just needed a little help to execute the plan or wanted verification that their ideas are valid and good.
Usually, I just stuff my face with junk food so that I can't easily talk. I nod and mumble through the Little Debbie. This also serves to make me happy to listen because I get an excuse to eat junk food. I've psychologically conditioned myself.
Also, openly admit to them that you don't know what the fuck you're saying and that your advice might just be terrible. You need them to think that you might be wrong and utterly full of shit. I want kids to be skeptical of every damn thing I tell them and to believe that I'm fallible.