‘Cats’ fans demand Universal Pictures to ‘release the butthole cut’

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Good morning. Have you had your first cup of coffee yet? You’ll probably want to make that before you read this.

As confirmed cases of COVID-19 in the United States continue to rise, many Americans find themselves self-quarantined at home with a lot more free time than just a week ago. Some folks have picked up new hobbies, some have grappled with their new work-from-home lifestyles, and others have thrown themselves into advocacy work.

That advocacy work has taken on various forms, including but not limited to: petitioning for Universal Pictures to release the butthole cut of Cats.

Cats, if you recall, was one of the biggest critical and commercial failures in recent memory, reportedly losing as much as $100 million at the box office. Yet the baffling CGI musical has developed a passionate cult following and stoked intense curiosity among nearly everybody who has seen it. Among those viewers is writer/producer/director Ben Mekler, who on Tuesday night tweeted, “I desperately need a tell-all book about the making of CATS. It could really help me get through this.

I desperately need a tell-all book about the making of CATS. It could really help me get through this — ben mekler (@benmekler) March 18, 2020

Thankfully, TV writer Jack Waz was quick to offer a valuable behind-the-scenes nugget. “A VFX producer friend of a friend was hired in November to finish some of the 400 effects shots in @catsmovie,” he wrote. “His entire job was to remove CGI buttholes that had been inserted a few months before. Which means that, somewhere out there, there exists a butthole cut of Cats.” Waz followed up with a mission statement: “Finding this cut is my white whale #ReleaseTheButtholeCut.”

Finding this cut is my white whale #ReleaseTheButtholeCut — Jack Waz (@jackwaz) March 18, 2020

And with that, #ReleaseTheButtholeCut was off to the races on Twitter. Forget about the Snyder Cut; the good citizens of the internet need to see the ensemble cast including James Corden, Jason Derulo, Idris Elba, and Taylor Swift portrayed even more accurately. Knives Out director Rian Johnson even threw his clout behind the movement, tweeting, “#ReleaseTheButtholeCut is exactly what we all need right now.”

#ReleaseTheButtholeCut is exactly what we all need right now https://t.co/BhaROTRqLM — Rian Johnson (@rianjohnson) March 18, 2020

Many people sympathized with the plight of the unnamed, alleged VFX producer who worked on Cats, while some curmudgeonly Twitter users expressed their bewilderment at the hashtag.

Just imagine, you worked your ass off to get through college to become a CGI artist. Eventually, you land a job in Hollywood, and then one day you’re hired to draw 400 cat buttholes, and then, THEN, someone comes along and erases all your buttholes. #ReleaseTheButtholeCut https://t.co/Gb8aOqSrIR — Michael Tushaus (@MichaelTushaus) March 18, 2020

I'm not sure I've ever outright pleaded for anything. But please. Just please keep this trending: #ReleaseTheButtholeCut — Film Crit Hulk (@FilmCritHULK) March 18, 2020

We've been on lockdown for TWO DAYS and you guys are out tweeting #ReleaseTheButtholeCut and accusing Oprah of sex trafficking. The entire timeline is going to be a mess for months, quarantine is making y'all WAY too loopy — CB (@SeaBendX) March 18, 2020

Members of the #ReleaseTheButtholeCut movement may want to focus on securing the vocal support of Seth Rogen, who live-tweeted his Cats viewing experience while stoned last night. Rogen had many questions, understandably, but was engrossed nonetheless.

I’m pretty stoned and watching Cats. I’ve never seen the broadway show. It is truly trippy. Am I supposed to know what a Jellicle is? They’ve said it 200,000 times but I don’t know what’s happening haha. — Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) March 18, 2020

As humanity teeters on the brink of collapse, releasing the butthole cut of Cats could be the balm we so desperately seek.