More women are choosing not to have kids, and society can't cope

"I don't want to have kids."

It's the kind of statement that often prompts total disbelief.

It's known to end conversations, leaving behind confused blank faces and dropped jaws.

"The response is always, 'You'll change your mind eventually'," says Jess Saras, 32.

She's childfree by choice, and despite being confident in her decision, Jess is constantly undermined by society's inability to separate women and motherhood.

The Australian Bureau of Statistics says that sometime in the next decade, the number of couples without children will overtake the number of couples with.

That means more women are choosing not to have kids.

It's a trend psychotherapist Zoe Krupka says is often wrongly labelled selfish, shallow and immature.

ABC podcast Ladies, We Need To Talk is sharing the stories of women who choose to be childfree to help clear up some pretty shitty misconceptions.

Have you grappled with the decision to have kids? What helped you decide (or are you still weighing things up)? Share with us via [email protected]

Why women choose not to have children

Dr Krupka defines childfree by choice as a woman making a conscious decision that she doesn't want to have her own children.

"It doesn't mean she doesn't want to co-parent or step-parent or help her friends out with their kids or be an aunty, but she's made a conscious decision that's not based on infertility or chance or circumstances beyond her control," she says.

And rather than it being about cost, ruining your body or the fact having kids can be a rough gig, Dr Krupka says women are turned off by the ridiculous standards around motherhood.

"You would think that it was about the terrible deal it can be when you have kids.

"But it's mostly, for a lot of women, about what the ideal of motherhood is like and what the standard is like — the perfectionism around mothering.

"It's not just that there isn't support for women to 'have it all', but that there is intense social criticism of mothers that makes it a particularly unattractive option."

Research shows women's reasons for choosing not to have children are multifaceted and complex.

Overpopulation and climate change, a lacking maternal instinct, health concerns and a desire for independence and freedom are just a few.

Tory Shepherd wrote a book about her choice not to have children, called On Freedom. ( MUP/News Corp )

"There's this assumption that you're selfish because you've chosen not to have children," says Tory Shepherd, who has published a book on her decision to remain childfree.

"And there is something in that, because if you're having kids you need to give them everything.

"But then if you're having a kid just so they look after you when you're older, that's pretty selfish."

Dr Krupka adds there is no evidence to show people are more selfless as a parent.

'Life has to change' when you have a baby

Actor Jess, who we heard from earlier, says she doesn't really like children.

And given the state of the world, she worries about what kind of life they would have anyway.

"It's a huge weight on my mind … what problems are we passing on to them that they had no control over?"

Caroline Epskamp is 48 and says she's never felt maternal. And her husband of 22 years didn't have a strong opinion either way.

"I'm a big animal lover, like show me a puppy and I'll be pretty excited. Show me a baby, and I'm fairly blasé about the whole thing."

She values her freedom and independence and says kids would have hindered that.

"You have to give some stuff up when you have children, life has to change," she says.

"Those who say it won't change are delusional because you'll drive yourself mad trying to keep it the same.

"We travel a lot … [and] we've always been really happy with our marriage and our partnership and the life that we lead."

Melbourne writer Gemma, 40, says the choice not to be a parent was made with her mental health in mind.

"The main reasons I'm childfree by choice is my fear that my post-natal depression will be so debilitating that I would not be able to bond with my child," she says.

Women are happy with their decision, but no-one else is

Women without kids don't just face judgement and scrutiny, they can be socially excluded too. ( Unsplash )

Whatever the reason, the research shows most women who choose a childfree life are confident in their decision.

It's everybody else who struggles with it.

"There's this kind of cultural ideal that [as a woman] you're supposed to want to nurture and care for," Dr Krupka says.

"So when you say, 'I don't want to do that', it's like you're not a real woman."

Tory says she's been made to feel like if you don't use your womb, "you're not really a woman".

"It's just the next step you do, you get married and you have kids."

Caroline says there is "stunned silence" when correcting people who assume she has kids.

"I mean I've started saying to cab drivers, 'Nah mate, my ovaries are done, I'm not going to change my mind'," she says.

"And how dare you suggest that I made the wrong decision by implying that I'll come to the right one eventually."

Another woman Ladies, We Need to Talk spoke to put it as: "I would love it if people wouldn't see it as something you lack … [but rather] as something that embraces other things."

Women without kids don't just face judgement and scrutiny, they can be socially excluded too — and not just during the 'childbearing years'.

That can be in small ways like being excluded from conversations, or bigger ways like not being invited to a kid's birthday party, explains Dr Krupka.

"Women who don't have children are really socially on the periphery."

It continues throughout life, to the point women are expected to not just be mothers, but grandmothers too.

"You get to the age people expect you to be a grandparent," Dr Krupka says.

"Women I know in their 60s and 70s who haven't had children say it's the first thing people ask you, just like they used to in your 30s.

"[Except] now it's like, tell me about your grandchildren. I don't have any. End of conversation."

The Ladies, We Need to Talk team spoke to a woman in her early 50s who relates to exactly this.

"Women your own age don't seem to know how to talk to you anymore unless they're in the same boat because all they seem to talk about of their children or their grandchildren," she says.

"Because you don't have children, you just don't count anymore."

The best part of being childfree

Jess says the best thing about being childfree is "not having to think about anyone else in terms of choices that I make with my life being spontaneous. Being true to myself".

"We generally sleep all night, we can cook whatever we want for dinner and it gets eaten by the other person in the house — gratefully received. No bottoms to wipe," says Caroline.

Tory says it's the extra brain space she enjoys.

"I have constant anxiety anyway, but I would have a constant thrum of anxiety about them. Are they OK? Am I doing the best? … Did I leave them in the car?"

Ultimately, the freedom to choose, one way or the other, is something we should celebrate.

But just how free that choice actually is, when much of society still expects women to choose to be mothers, is something worth considering.