Why Authenticity Is the Best Dating Strategy

Authored by psychologytoday.com and submitted by mvea

Is it better to be yourself or play hard to get when dating? Is being yourself attractive and what type of person does being yourself attract? Do we become more emotionally open and available when we are made to feel safe to be our true selves? A series of studies by Josephs, Warach, Goldin, Jonason, Gorman, Kapoor, and Lebron (2019) just published in and Individual Differences answers such questions. The article is called “Be Yourself: Authenticity as a Long-term Strategy.” Authenticity in consists of two dimensions: Taking risks for intimacy that might make you vulnerable to rejection for expressing your true feelings, and the unacceptability of which requires honesty even if the truth might upset others. “Being yourself” might seem naively foolish because it makes you vulnerable to rejection so perhaps when dating it’s better to play hard to get or in long-term relationships to tell little white lies to keep the peace. This series of studies shows that in fact “being yourself” promotes successful long-term relationships in a wide variety of ways.

Study 1 shows that individuals that are high in authenticity have good long-term relationship outcomes in comparison to individuals that play hard to get and are high on the Dark Triad traits of , Machiavellianism, and . In addition, authenticity is associated with .

Study 2 shows that individuals high on authenticity engage in specific behaviors when engaged in serious dating and serious long-term relationships. They display emotional , transparency, and availability in engaging in behaviors like showing their interest and feelings and introducing their partners to their families. Individuals that engage in such “be yourself” dating behavior are not only high in authenticity but high in secure while low in narcissism.

Study 3 demonstrated that in a dating context, individuals that engage in “be yourself” dating behavior are more attractive than individuals that play hard to get. In addition, there is assortative mating (i.e. birds of a feather flock together) when it comes to “be yourself” dating behavior. Males high on Dark Triad traits are more attracted to game-playing females while males high on authenticity possess a special antipathy towards game-playing females. Playing hard to get might work in attracting potential romantic partners. Yet it might not always attract the type of romantic partners that would make good candidates for successful long-term relationships. In contrast being yourself attracts the type of individuals that tend to have successful long-term relationships.

Study 4 demonstrated that when people are made to feel that it is unsafe to be oneself individuals become more likely to play hard to get by taking their time returning a text and setting up a date. Yet when individuals are made to feel it is safe to be oneself, they are more likely to engage in “be yourself” dating behavior that shows interest and availability by returning a text and setting up a date more quickly. This effect is more pronounced among rejection sensitive individuals who are reluctant to engage in “be yourself” dating behavior when made to feel it is unsafe to express their true selves.

The results of these four studies together provide significant evidence that being yourself may be an effective mating strategy for those seeking successful long-term relationships. From the perspective of this makes sense. Those looking for a suitable partner for raising a family want someone who will be loyal, devoted, and honest – in other words someone who won’t cheat or be deceitful. is associated with high marital conflict and rates. Someone who is authentic in a dating context despite the risks of rejection for showing vulnerability is demonstrating a proven capacity to be honest and straightforward even when there might be a price to be paid for being a person of integrity that doesn’t play games.

This research has practical implications. It takes courage to be authentic in one’s love life and those who lack the courage to be themselves hide behind a misleading false self. Finding the courage to let down one’s false self in order to be oneself is challenging. to tolerate rejection for being oneself requires patience and in the face of social disapproval. It requires persevering until finally finding a romantic partner who is truly appreciative of our unrecognized efforts to be ourselves despite social rejection. Those individuals are genuinely appreciative because they are like-minded individuals who also take risks for intimacy and firmly believes that deception is unacceptable (i.e. birds of a feather flock together). So, until we find our soulmate, we need to seek out support for being ourselves whether that means finding who accept us for who we are, finding a support group, or finding a therapist. We must learn not only to be ourselves in a world that is not always accepting but to also never let ourselves get fooled by alluring but game-playing individuals high on Dark Triad traits who will ultimately betray our trust and break our hearts. We must hold out for the love of an authentic partner whose honesty might sometimes be hard to take and whose open vulnerability might arouse our fears of intimacy but who will never let us down.

series_hybrid on March 3rd, 2019 at 17:10 UTC »

The "short term strategy" vs the "long term strategy".

Short term people are in a hurry to get into any relationship, to avoid being alone. High risk, sometimes works out (see: rom com movie plot).

Long term strategy people hold out for actual compatibility. Takes confidence and willingness to risk failure. Payoff is high probability of a mutually satisfying life relationship.

paracog on March 3rd, 2019 at 10:36 UTC »

Well, aren't they going to find out eventually who you really are anyway?

mvea on March 3rd, 2019 at 10:32 UTC »

The title of the post is a copy and paste from the second, fourth and sixth paragraphs of the linked academic press release here:

Study 1 shows that individuals that are high in authenticity have good long-term relationship outcomes in comparison to individuals that play hard to get and are high on the Dark Triad traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. In addition, authenticity is associated with emotional intelligence.

Study 3 demonstrated that in a dating context, individuals that engage in “be yourself” dating behavior are more attractive than individuals that play hard to get. In addition, there is assortative mating (i.e. birds of a feather flock together) when it comes to “be yourself” dating behavior. Men high on Dark Triad traits are more attracted to game-playing females while men high on authenticity possess a special antipathy towards game-playing females. Playing hard to get might work in attracting potential romantic partners. Yet it might not always attract the type of romantic partners that would make good candidates for successful long-term relationships. In contrast being yourself attracts the type of individuals that tend to have successful long-term relationships.

The results of these four studies together provide significant evidence that being yourself may be an effective mating strategy for those seeking successful long-term relationships.

Journal Reference:

Lawrence Josephs, Benjamin Warach, Kirby L. Goldin, Peter K. Jonason, Bernard S. Gorman, Sanya Masroor, Nixza Lebron,

Be yourself: Authenticity as a long-term mating strategy,

Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 143, 2019, Pages 118-127, ISSN 0191-8869,

DOI: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.02.020.

Link: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886919301291

Highlights

• Authenticity is associated with positive relationship outcomes.

• Individuals that are authentic engage in “being yourself” dating behavior.

• “Being yourself” dating behavior is more attractive than game-playing.

• “Being yourself” dating behavior facilitates assortative mating.

• “Be yourself” mindset priming fosters “being yourself” dating behavior.

Abstract:

We hypothesize that “being yourself” is the dating strategy of individuals that have successful long-term relationships. Study 1 examined the relationships between authenticity and personality variables that predict relationship outcome. Study 2 employed a two-part acts nomination design to enumerate “being yourself” while dating and to examine personality correlates of “being yourself”. Study 3 explored whether individuals being themselves are attractive and if being yourself results in assortative mating with authentic individuals. Study 4 determined the effect of “be yourself” mindset priming on “be yourself” dating behavior. Study 1 found that authenticity is associated with emotional intelligence and positive relational outcomes. Study 2 found that “being yourself” dating behavior is associated with authenticity, secure attachment, and low narcissism. Study 3 found that “be yourself” dating behavior is attractive and facilitates assortative mating with authentic individuals. Study 4 found that rejection sensitive individuals are more likely to engage in “be yourself” dating behavior when made to feel safe to be themselves. “Be yourself” is the dating strategy that authentic individuals use to facilitate successful long-term relationships.