My husband and I were married in 2012, and he passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in 2017. We had just found out that I was pregnant, and I was about 8 weeks along when he passed. We had not told his family at that point - there was a big family dinner coming up two weeks after, and we intended on announcing then, but due to his death, we didn’t get a chance to do that. We had been living near Boston together since 2008, but after his death, I moved away to my hometown (Edmonton, AB). My baby was born 2 months prematurely, and spent close to 3 months in the NICU. When my baby was 7 months old, I took her to NY to see her paternal grandparents. They were quite shocked to hear that we had a baby, but were really happy to see that a part of their son had lived on. The resemblance between my husband and daughter is actually quite striking.
The issues started when my MIL started insisting that we (me and my daughter) move back to MA, or move to NY. EDIT: I will be moving back to MA next July/August for unrelated but very important reasons. I also do not want to move to NY - I lived there for 2 years in my twenties, and it just wasn’t for me (sorry new yorkers).
My MIL has threatened to sue for full custody over my daughter if we don’t move back. I understand that in all three locations, grandparents are given visitation rights if one of the parents have passed away, which is already quite concerning because I don’t want to be flying back and forth every other week, or whatever the courts decide. How do I settle this dispute peacefully? She hasn’t done anything yet, but for me that signals that she’s just getting her ducks in a row. She’s had a really difficult life, and losing her son was devastating for her. I know she’s just grieving, but I can’t let her take my baby. She’s about 10 months right now, and the absolute light of my life.
In addition, my husband had quite a large trust fund (8 figures). I am NOT after his money - I have a theoretically well-paying job in the medical profession, and as soon as my baby is a little older (1.5-2 years), I plan on putting her in daycare and going back to work. This time off will also give me a chance to have my credentials transferred over from US to Canada, as currently I am not licensed to practice in Canada. We are living off savings right now - it’s quite tight but I am making it work. I do however, want this trust fund set aside for my child. Again, I’m happy to never have access to it, and not have anything to do with it, but I think it should be kept aside for her, when she turns 18 or 21 or 35 or whatever. I don’t know how to go about making sure this happens. I had some brief meeting with his mother, sisters, and their attorneys right after he passed, but I was way too out of it to understand what they were saying to me.
I debated posting this to reddit for quite some time, because I am afraid that someone who knows us will find this, but finances are so tight that I can’t afford a lawyer at the moment, and certainly not the calibre of lawyers that my in-laws have on retainer. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Edit: I amended the second paragraph, very important.
StarOriole on October 14th, 2018 at 12:40 UTC »
The combination of grief followed by a medical emergency and then longterm sleep deprivation, if not PPD, has to be utter hell. I can understand why she's only been able to make brief flurries of progress on anything (like showing up unannounced on her in-laws' doorstep with a surprise baby).
It seems like she's trying to live on her savings for two full years with a new baby, which is going to be rough financially for almost anyone. The two houses thing is definitely something she needs to reconsider, though. I know she's planning to go back to MA (though it wasn't clear for how long), so there's a balance between whether it's better to sell the house or keep it so she doesn't have to pay rent later, but selling it would also potentially help her gain access to millions if the money could be used on lawyers' fees...
At the very least, she needs to consult with a lawyer and try to figure out if it seems like she and/or her child could suddenly be fabulously wealthy or not. Even if the trust bypassed her and went to her child, if it could start being used for the child's wellbeing, that would have to be a huge help.
Quellieh on October 14th, 2018 at 12:07 UTC »
Oh this poor lady. She keeps saying how nice the in-law’s are. Nice people don’t try to take your child from you.
She seems the type to see the best in everyone and refuse to see bad, a people pleaser. Unfortunately, people pleasers get taken advantage of and walked all over. For her sake and for that of her daughter, she needs to toughen up a bit.
HopeFox on October 14th, 2018 at 11:00 UTC »
I know it's not LAOP's primary concern, but wow, she sure buried the lede on the tens of millions of dollars of inheritance. It changes the context of the grandparents' involvement quite a lot, and makes the obvious answer ("tell them to pound sand") much more complicated.