When a person wants understanding, but their partner gives solutions, things do not usually go well. A new study with 114 newlywed couples suggests people who receive emotional support, instead of informational support, feel better and have higher relationship satisfaction.

Authored by psychologytoday.com and submitted by mvea

When a person wants , but their partner gives solutions, things do not usually go well. Both people can feel frustrated, can feel frayed, and disconnection can result. One can think, “Don’t tell me what to do!” The other can think, “Why don’t you value my help?”

Some say that this is the exact misunderstanding that led John Gray to write Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Gray saw women as usually wanting understanding, and men as usually offering problem-solving.

Many therapists have decried Gray’s lack of research basis for his claims about differences. But recent research may have proved him right about this one.

Psychologists Lorenzo, Barry, and Khalifian at the Universities of Maryland and Wyoming studied the differences between emotional support and informational support. They looked at which type of support a person preferred versus which type of support that person received.

They studied 114 newlywed couples, all of whom were male/female pairs in their first . The emotional support questions included items such as “Said he/she thought I handled a situation well.” The informational support questions included, “Shared facts or information with me about a situation I was facing.”

The first finding was that people who receive emotional support feel better and have higher relationship satisfaction.

That’s principal 1: Emotional support is good. Do it.

Another finding was that wives wanted more support of all kinds than they received—both emotional and informational support. Husbands also wanted more emotional support than they received but were okay with the informational support they received.

That’s principal 2: Husbands, be more supportive overall. Wives, be more emotionally supportive.

The next finding was subtle, but quite important. Among the subset of husbands who preferred informational support, the more informational support they got the better they felt.

But among the subset of wives who do not prefer informational support, the more informational support they got the worse they felt.

That’s principal 3: Husbands, do not assume that your wife is the same as you. If you prefer informational support, don’t assume that she does too. She might have the opposite preference. The kind of information that might make you feel better might make her feel worse. Beware.

The authors conclude: “Based on these findings, couples may be well-advised to provide emotional support to one another instead of informational support.” And when it comes to informational support, couples need to know the other’s preference.

As a couples therapist, these findings make sense to me. I find this pattern again and again in my practice. Typically, the woman wants support, the man gives advice, and both feel frustrated and disconnected.

Luckily the solution is simple—and it totally agrees with the study’s conclusion. Default to emotional support. If you have no other information, give emotional support.

Beyond that, ask for what you want, and check with your partner about what they want. If you want your partner’s support about something, let them know whether you’re looking for understanding or advice. Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.

“Honey, I’d like to vent about something. I’m not looking for advice. Could you just hear me out and try to understand?”

Or, “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about a problem. Could you give me some advice about what you think I could do?”

Either is fine. Whatever you want.

If your partner forgets to set things up like this, you, as the listener, can clarify.

“Would you like me to suggest solutions? Or just understand your feelings?”

Say it out loud. Make that choice explicit. It’s so much easier.

Aggro4Dayz on July 6th, 2018 at 16:10 UTC »

I think both aspects are important, but there is a time and a place for problem-solving. Often times when someone comes to you with a problem, they're looking for validation and emotional support. They want you to agree with them that it sucks and it's a problem. They want to know they aren't alone in feeling the way they do in their situation. Only after they feel that they might want solutions.

I ruined a relationship because I was constantly trying to jump to solutions for a medical issue my significant other was having (suddenly developing debilitating chronic pain). I should have just listened to her and given her the emotional support she needed, but I was so focused on finding a solution to her problem for her. It wore her out.

Don't make my mistake. Listen to your partner and support them. Sometimes just hearing someone else say "Yeah, that really sucks. I'm sorry this is happening to you." goes a long, long way towards making someone feel a bit better. Then, if you have ideas for solutions, ask them if they want to hear them after giving them some support and time. If they say yes, go for it, if not, leave it be.

zachmengel on July 6th, 2018 at 14:41 UTC »

What types of things are best to say?

lakenakomis on July 6th, 2018 at 14:28 UTC »

I think this depends on the couple for sure.....but yeah, this seems to work better for me. I think this paragraph towards the end of the article has the best advice:

Beyond that, ask for what you want, and check with your partner about what they want. If you want your partner’s support about something, let them know whether you’re looking for understanding or advice. Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.