Having an abortion isn’t always a sad or difficult decision, and that’s okay

Right now the debate is raging about whether women in Ireland should be granted access to abortions.

The debate is referred to on social media as #repealthe8th – a reference to the eight amendment in Irish law which bans abortion.

As part of this discussion I’ve noticed the same narrative being repeated over and over again. People expressing the sentiment that ‘having an abortion is never an easy choice,’ that ‘having an abortion is heartbreakingly sad’ or that ‘having an abortion is hugely traumatic’.

It’s a narrative that, in theory, supports women. But it’s also untrue.

For some women, having an abortion is a difficult choice. But for others – many, many others – it’s not. It’s a simple decision which carries no sadness or regret. An easy choice.

There’s a stigma around feeling totally fine about your abortion.

You’re not supposed to admit it, but for a lot of women the most difficult part of having an abortion is the discomfort, or getting the time off work. A truth which, if you dare to say it out loud, seems to cast you as a heartless bitch.

A lot of this comes from the way that abortions are represented on TV and in films. If they’re represented at all (anyone else noticed how most films seem to deal with surprise pregnancies as if termination just isn’t an option?) they’re represented as something gruelling and horrific.

More often than not it’s not even suggested. Blair Waldorf on Gossip Girl wasn’t sure who the father of her baby was, yet an abortion wasn’t on the cards. Lane Kim in Gilmore Girls was 22 years old and had only had sex once in her entire life, and yet she didn’t even mention the A word.

If the film or TV show is bold enough to allow abortion to be considered, very often the main character will go part of the way towards having it before changing her mind. See Miranda from Sex and the City or Juno in Juno for more details.

So it’s no surprise that women who have abortions without a second thought end up feeling like they’re getting it wrong.

‘I found out I was pregnant, called Marie Stopes straight away and made an appointment immediately’ said Laura*, 25. ‘Having a baby was not on the cards for me, and I wanted to terminate the pregnancy as quickly as possible. I didn’t need to think about it for ages, I knew. I was nervous about how much it would hurt, but that was my only real concern. And in the end it wasn’t very painful.

‘After the abortion all I felt was relief. But when I talk about it, people seem shocked that it wasn’t a bigger deal. I don’t feel any guilt at having the abortion, but I do feel judged for not finding it upsetting.’

Laura’s story is by no means unusual. When I started looking for women to speak to who have had abortions and didn’t consider it a sad or upsetting experience, dozens contacted me.

‘It wasn’t exactly a picnic’ said Elspeth*, 30, ‘but the only hard part was that it was physically a bit unpleasant. Emotionally it was no more distressing than a normal period. I was only a few weeks pregnant so after the first few hours of bleeding and cramping, I got on with my day. I watched a movie in bed and the next day I went to work.

‘My partner seemed shocked that I wasn’t more upset – there was no crying or anything like that. I just felt relieved that it had gone to plan and that I wasn’t going to have to become a parent.’

The thing about admitting to having had an abortion, is that you’re expected to act like you feel bad about it. Like you’ve done something wrong. Public opinion seems to be that having an abortion is just about acceptable, as long as you seem really sorry about it.

But if you stand up and say that it was an easy decision, one that you’ve never regretted? Even the tentatively pro-choice become judgmental.

It’s the same reason why there’s such a stigma around having multiple abortions. There is still a public perception of ‘good’ abortions (for people who have been raped or are carrying babies who wouldn’t survive birth) and ‘bad’ abortions (for women who have recreational sex and conceive by accident.)

The right to choose is the right to choose. That right doesn’t come with a code of behaviour, or the right to moralise about other people’s bodies.

Women don’t want to have abortions. It’s not a fun hobby. But that doesn’t mean they’re harrowing and traumatic either. For every woman who found it a heartbreaking choice, there’s another woman who wanted things over and done with quickly so that she could move on with her life, a woman who didn’t give her abortion a second thought because she knew without any doubt that it was the right option for her.

There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel about your termination. You’re allowed to see it as a terrible sadness, or the best choice you ever made. What matters is that it’s your choice to make, and that you’re granted the freedom to make it.

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